iAm Not Always Strong
by Laugh Like You Aren't Breaking
Summary: "That was what she constantly told herself: she was the strong one. She stayed tough for him, even when the pain was eating her alive." A one-shot. Rated T for mention of character death and because I'm paranoid.


_(A/N: So this is just a little one-shot I wrote at midnight last night when I really should have been studying for my exams or sleeping... Anyways, it's really cheesy, but I decided to post it regardless. Hope you like it!)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly. If I owned iCarly, then iOMG Part 2 wouldn't be taking forever to get here..._

She didn't cry at his funeral. She knew people were staring, thinking _'What's wrong with her? Her husband dies and she doesn't shed a tear?'_ but she wouldn't cry. It had always been a thing between them. She was the strong one. When they lowered his body slowly into the ground, she had to turn away into Carly's shoulder. But she wouldn't cry. Not in front of all those people.

She didn't cry when their daughter was born 5 months later. Not at the hospital, when the nurse asked her what she wanted to name her baby girl. She just told the nurse calmly "Carly Marissa Benson". It was what he would've wanted.

She didn't cry when little Carly, with his big brown eyes, asked about her father. She was strong for their daughter. She told little Carly, "Daddy's in Heaven, with all the angels. But he loves you very much. He's looking down on us right now, wishing with all his heart that he could be here."

She didn't cry when little Carly did when she first got to visit her daddy's grave. She didn't cry, watching her daughter place lilies on his grave, just like the ones he brought her on their first date. The daughter that was so much like him it hurt her sometimes. The daughter that he would never get to know, that was made with so much love but born in the wake of so much hurt and loss.

She didn't cry when their best friend Carly came with the news: she had terminal cancer. She was strong; she was there for Carly just like he would've wanted. She just held Carly like Carly had done for her so many times. She was the one that didn't say anything while Carly sobbed about all her fears about what was going to happen. She didn't cry in front of Carly, because that would kill Carly, watching the hurt that her cancer was going to cause. She was the strong one.

That was what she constantly told herself: she was the strong one. She stayed tough for him, even when the pain was eating her alive. But what people never knew was that she did cry.

She cried the night after the accident, when he was declared brain-dead and she had to turn off his life support. She crawled into the cold spot on the other side of the bed, sobbing because she knew that he would never fill that space in her heart that was all too empty now. She cried because even though she was supposed to be the strong one, she could only be strong when he was her light through the dark, and she didn't know how she was supposed to survive without him. She cried because she knew that he wasn't coming back, and this was the one problem that he could never help her solve, the one difficult time that he couldn't help her through.

She cried when, one year after the accident, little Carly opened her eyes and all of a sudden they were a beautiful brown, **his** beautiful brown. She cried so hard that she had to call Carly to come over and watch little Carly, because she couldn't take it. She cried because little Carly Marissa Benson was so much his daughter, and he would never know that. He would never get to teach her his adorably geeky tech talk. He would never get to show her all the different ways to push her mom's buttons. They would never get to be the family that the two of them had always talked about: perfectly imperfect.

She cried every night, after watching those beautiful eyes tear up when she told little Carly a story about her daddy. She would talk to him, every night, and tell him how beautiful his daughter was, how much she missed him, how much she and little Carly loved him. She would cry because no matter how many tears she shed, no matter how loud she screamed, he was too far away to reassure her that things would be okay. She cried because this was the one time that he couldn't make things okay.

She cried the night after she and little Carly had gone to see his grave, when she heard little Carly talk to him too. She cried when she heard little Carly telling him how much she loved lilies too, how much 'Momma' missed him and she did too, how much she loved him and wished that he could be there with them even though she knew that he had to be where he was. She cried when she saw little Carly cry, one little tear from those beautiful eyes she'd always loved before they turned out the light. She didn't think little Carly noticed much, but she added a night-light that night. Little Carly had always slept well in the dark; she had her own bright light, just like her dad. But she wanted little Carly to have another way through the dark, just in case. She wanted herself to have another way through the dark.

She cried after Carly left that day she got the news. She thought that little Carly was doing her homework, and she just sat down on the couch and sobbed, wondering how life could be so cruel. Carly had always been the best person in the world, how could something so awful happen to her? And how could Fate take her husband and best friend in the whole world away from her? It wasn't fair. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. She bawled even harder when she heard little Carly's footsteps behind her, and a tiny voice ask "Momma, is Aunt Carly going to go to the place where Daddy went?" For the first time in her life, she just let herself cry when little eight year-old Carly sat down next to her and put her tiny arm around her mom, trying to console her with reassurances of "Daddy will take care of Aunt Carly, don't worry Momma". She cried because she knew that he would take good care of Carly, and that she'd be safe with him, but she couldn't be the strong one anymore. But for once, that was okay with her.

_(A/N: I didn't know how to end it, and my friend told me to just post it already and stop worrying so much... So I posted it... Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top can I have a review? :)This is my first one-shot!)_


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